How to Stop Talking & Build Trust with Your Teen

It’s often hardest to help and connect with those we love the most, especially our teens! Emotions run deep and it’s the hardest to detach those emotions enough to listen to what they may need apart from what we may want for them.

 Here are three parent leadership tips to build a trusting relationship with your teen. See how you can connect the most.

 1.            Listen intently & intuitively without commenting. That is a very difficult thing to do with family! It is especially difficult in a parent and child relationship. We want to offer our wisdom to help them avoid the mistakes we might have made, often not sharing with them how those mistakes may have affected us, but on how it could affect them. In other words, not sharing how stupid we were but how stupid they are acting! As a parent it is not always wise to share all of our previous “adventures” with our teen, however, there is a bonding benefit when we can be forthright on how we might understand how they feel and that we might actually know. I believe if you take your ego out of the mix, you will know what you can share that’s appropriate for their age. I tell my kids “Your parents weren’t always as boring as we are now!”

 Here’s a parent leadership tip. If you want to share your wisdom, first find out if your teen is willing to hear it. Try asking this question, “Would you like to know what I might do?” Then listen to their answer. If they say “no”, stop talking and honor their answer. The first one or two times you do this they might test you to see if you respect their “no”. This is a chance to build trust. If you keep talking after hearing a “no” that tells them they cannot trust you and that you really do not respect their answer. When they do say “yes” that’s your chance to share your opinion in a helpful and positive way so they will feel they can trust to ask you again. And they will!

 2.            Look for what’s right and when your teen shares anything, even if superficial, but especially if deeper, show simple gratitude . . . “Thank you for sharing that with me.” or “I appreciate your telling me that. I will keep it to myself.” then stop talking! That is the most difficult thing to do . . . stop talking! Often less is more when it comes to communicating with teens. They only hear a few words before they turn you off. The words your teen often hears sounds a lot like the teacher in Charlie Brown cartoon  . . . “Wa, wa wa, wa wa!”

 Here’s a parent leadership tip. The best leaders allow their team to figure out how to work through a problem on their own. That not only builds confidence but resilience. That confidence motivates them to independently look for and find a solution. Questions to ask your teen, “What do you think about ________?” or “How do you think you should handle ________?” Then stop talking and listen to what your teen says, whether you agree or not. It’s very powerful to be able to share an opinion and have someone listen without judgment. It also gives you an opportunity to use the questions in #1 and be able to share what you know in a way your teen will hear. Remember, it doesn’t matter how valuable your words are if those words don’t get past their ears!

 3.            Ending the conversation on a positive note invites and encourages your teen to return to talk to you another day and be confident they won’t be trapped in an unwanted conversation with you.

 Here’s a parent leadership tip.  Always try to end the conversation with a sincere “I’m here if you need me.” and/or “I love you.” Then remember to stop talking! The first couple of times you do this they may look at you like you’re from another planet. That’s ok. After all, you are speaking a foreign language by not speaking as a parent nag! You may find that they will eventually look to “sit and chat” with you rather than “run the other way!” Remember that building trust with your teen is a process and it doesn’t happen overnight. But it is well worth the wait and the effort!

 These tips can be adapted to build trust in other important relationships in your family and business. Please contact me with any questions or comments you may have or to learn more about coaching.